2. What was I saying? Oh. All the friends I’ve had have been people who spoke to me first. That says a lot about me. There’s two guys right now with whom if I can establish a meaningful friendship it will help me prove to myself that I’m not socially hopeless.
Anyway Ammy talked to me first. He was 24 to my 19. I guess it’s been a year now since I met him. After the discussion it was still drizzling a bit. I was starting to make my way to the bus stop when these 3 guys from earlier pull up to me. It was him, Angel, about 40, and another guy, maybe early 30s who was a linguist. The plan was to take me home but we decided to go to the gay bar instead.
The only gay bar pretty much, surprisingly. The bar upstairs was way classier than the dance floor downstairs as I would find out later. It was nice drinking beer and talking about coming out and shit.
But what matters is that I met a guy I grew to love quite a bit, even though it was always platonic, and we had some really good times. I’m trying not to keep thinking about the fact that he stopped talking to me for no reason.
Acabo de tomar esta foto con Webcam Toy
1. The day I met Ahmed I hadn’t been in the city for even a year. I felt like my ability to speak english was an effect of some magic. It just didn’t fit with my sense of being an outsider. Everything was new and beautiful. The buses were fast and efficient. We didn’t have buses. The day was bright gray and everything shined in the rain and I got lost and very wet on the way to the pride center.
I got there and they explained that the youth group I was trying to attend didn’t actually meet that day, that the calendar online hadn’t been updated in a while. I excused myself to the bathroom and squeezed all the water I could out of the ankles of my jeans.
I sat on the sofa with a poodle of water around my naked feet and talked about social justice with people most of whom were at least 10 years older than me. It was great.
To this day I don’t know if I’m attractive or not. It’s so weird how I can believe two things at the same time even though they contradict each other. I guess I just don’t understand attractiveness at all. I don’t understand how the most successful models look bad when caught off guard by a camera flash while they’re drunk at a party, or how people you thought were sort of ugly become so beautiful when you get to know them and fall in love with them.
I don’t get how I like myself in the mirror but never in pictures. I do believe that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I believe it is subjective. I believe those things and I don’t understand them.
I thought once someone showed and interest in me, or once I had my first kiss I could finally consider myself attractive, or at least pretty enough. After losing some weight and working out a little, it happened, even though I wasn’t anywhere near finished with all the changes I wanted to go through. And a voice inside went “It has to happen again or else it doesn’t count” and it did and it still didn’t count. I’m fucked up.
Four Magpies by Bian Jingzhao. Early Ming Dynasty (1368–1644). Hanging scroll; colour on silk.
National Palace Museum Wikimedia.
According to Smithsonian researchers, the brains of tiny spiders are so large that they fill their body cavities and even overflow into their legs. They are essentially walking brains. Researchers measured the central nervous systems of nine species of spiders, everything from giant…